I have a bone to pick with you, Billy Bob Thorton and Richard Linklater.
And not just, like, a soup bone or a rawhide bone or something, but...if you killed a Gigantosaurus (real dinosaur, y'all), and chopped off the biggest bone in its body and multiplied by ten, that's pretty close to the size of the bone I have to pick with you.
What have you done?
By now, anybody who reads this thing knows of the intimate and extreme fan-love I have for 1976's The Bad News Bears. So it was to my horror that I discovered the version from 2005, from you two. I was thinking about it and wondered why it needed to be redone in the first place. And then I went back into some older magazines I have and found some stuff about it from when your guys' version came out, and it completely horrified me. My soul threw up and died. Please let me list my grievances (wait, how can you stop me? Ha! Too bad I couldn't stop you...)
First, it is called Bad News Bears. Was "The" not good enough for you, you buttholes? Second: Hooters?????? I was talking about that aspect with my dad the other day, and he asked if I would have objected to it if Walter Matthau (the ONLY Coach Buttermaker) had taken them to Hooters, and I realized where some people might misconstrue my reasoning. I do not object necessarily to the fact that he hauls the "Bears" to Hooters (I can't bear to write his team's name without quotes, much like "Celebrity" Rehab) in the remake. I have nothing personally against Hooters; they have not done anything to me (except, you know, involve themselves in this movie, so...); I do not hate them as a chain. And I would not begrudge the "Bears" their trip to the land of Hooters if it had been in the original movie. You see the difference there? A remake is supposed to be, you know, the original movie. WALTER MATTHAU DID NOT TAKE THEM TO HOOTERS!
Anything else, you ask? Heck yes. I'm all fired up now.
Marcia Gay Harden is his lawyer, who arranges for him to coach the team and who, oh, yeah, WASN'T A CHARACTER WHO APPEARED IN THE ORIGINAL MOVIE! And, kid-wise, who are Prem Lahiri, Garo Daragebrigadian, Matthew Hooper, and Joey Bullock? That sounds like what this movie is, pure bullock (I believe there's a not-so-nice word for it, too, only I can't say it here. Trying to keep it kid-friendly, y'all. Unlike some people...). MGH plays "Liz Whitewood," who was a councilman in the original, Toby Whitewood's father, and his name was Bob Whitewood. Nice to meetcha, Bob! And Greg Kinnear doesn't escape my wrath, either, or should I say, Ray Bullock--a.k.a. Roy Turner in the original. Okay, I get it now. Joey Bullock is Joey Turner. Got it. But it's still wrong.
And this...Don't get me STARTED on this, Linklater/Thorton, 'cause this is one of the worst transgressions in the whole damn pile of crap: the ruining of everybody's favorite seventies teenage badass, Kelly Leak. He had a super-groovy Harley that he tore across the field on in the original, played by the incompatible Jackie Earle Haley. Now I see pictures of him...looking like he's sixteen at least...with a skateboard. No! Teenage punks do not need skateboards, especially when they didn't have them in the first place! And why, oh why, does he look like a long-lost member of Hanson? My head is about to freaking explode, people!!! Gahhh!!!
And nothing against kids with eyepatches in wheelchairs, but...say it with me...there was none in the original!
And where's Regi, Toby, Jimmy, Rudy, Ogilvie? You know, half the team? I think they were kinda important, don't you?
And then I read an article about you, Richard Linklater, where you were talking about what to keep in and leave out of the movie. And you said that at a read-through, when Tanner Boyle's infamously politically incorrect line "All we got on this team is a bunch of Jews, spics, niggers, pansies, and a booger-eating moron" was read (and I quote you): "There were crickets. It's just not funny in today's world." And so it was left out.
Well, Mr. Linklater, if a part of a movie you are redoing isn't funny, maybe that's a clue right there. The point of a remake, as I said earlier, is to be really faithful to the original. Maybe you and Billy Bob should have thought about that, how the stuff from the ORIGINAL (God, how many times do I have to say it?) wasn't funny (to you and your fellow turds on the movie-making turd-pile, anyway), and added that to the fact that you changed like half the freaking movie, and just made your own. Sure, it still would've sucked and elicited comparisons and ultra-high amounts of derision (which it totally deserves), but at least you wouldn't have the chance to ruin a beloved movie for many, many people. Including those with blogs who can rant about it for posts on end (believe me, I went easy on you).
And also, Linklater/Thorton, just to let you know, when I, NiteOwl, have my owl children, adopted or not, they will be seeing the ORIGINAL version.
Yeah. I had to get that word in one more time.
ORIGINAL. ORIGINAL. ORIGINAL. ORIGINAL.
ORIGINAL...
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