Second Chance Blog: Dude. Do NOT Bleed on the ElDo

    This is my new page. It's a Human Target discussion forum. If you don't like Human Target, get off the page. And I know where you live.
Here's how it's gonna work. I talk about the show. Yes. Even more than I usually do.If you're pleased or offended, you write back.I'm kind of expecting more in the second, "offended" category, since I tend to call people idiots and morons and Joubert-heads (trust me, it makes sense if you're still here).
But if you have the jerichos to handle that, read on.

   1-10-11
     I figure that if I'm going to be posting a whole page about Human Target, I might as well, you know, introduce you to some of the characters that you are going to encounter many, many times on my posts. They're kind of in order of importance--okay, not really. Wait, no, yes they are. Will it be better if I say "maybe"? As in, maybe I'll just start the bios now so you don't get tired of me arguing with myself and leave?
Christopher Chance (Mark Valley): Ex-hitman, now bodyguard--or, as he prefers to be called, a "death-retardant specialist." (see: "Tanarak," season one) Changed after falling in love with a murder witness he was hired to eliminate. Not his real name. Nobody knows what it is. "Christopher Chance" is apparently a name taken by all the human targets, not just in San Francisco: Chance got it from Old Chance, the Chance you meet in a flashback in the season one finale, played by Lee Majors (Lee Majors! Lee Freaking Majors!), who said he "got it from the guy who taught me. He got it from the guy who taught him. Christopher Chance is the guy you go to when no one else can help." That about sums it up.
Guerrero (Jackie Earle Haley): Technical fixer. Worked with Chance when he was still with the Old Man (more on him later). Left after Chance spared his life. Looks like a geek, but he's a geek who knows where you live and can kill you. Likes: Chinese food, saying "Dude," torture and dismemberment. Choice quote: "What's wrong with putting a gun to somebody's head? Lots of productive things have come from putting a gun to somebody's head." ("The Return of Baptiste) Totally awesome, in an I-don't-want-to-be-in-the-same-room-as-him-ever-kind-of-way. Revealed in the "Baptiste" episode of Season One that he recently became a "family man." Never mentioned again. Revealed himself in the "A Problem Like Maria/Communication Breakdown" double episode in part one that "We all have our blind spots, dude. There's a girl in Osaka...Enough said." To Chance
Winston (Chi McBride): Ex-cop. First name: Laverne. Yeah, he's got a first name that sounds like a girl's. He also carries a .45, he's got a history of disciplinary problems, and this isn't his first drink. So you got another comment? Joined a book club in the "Other Side of the Mall" episode, and was revealed to be "familiar" with The Secret Life of Bees (he's seen reading it during the episode, as well). In the same episode, he took out a man with a toaster, but sadly did not use the oh-so-obvious-but-never-old-line "You're toast." C'mon, Winston! He also has an ex-wife, Michelle, and recently managed to nail a dirty cop he'd been chasing for years, and his devotion to the case was among one of the reasons for his divorce. Regularly at odds with Guerrero and his "Hey dude" attitude and annoyed frequently by Ilsa (I sympathize). No offspring mentioned so far. Reminds me of my dad (with me as Guerrero).
Time's up...for now, anyway. Next time: the women of Human Target.

1-14-11
Just an alert for any fans left out in the cold by Wednesday night's preempting that night's double episode of "Imbroglio/Cool Hand Guerrero": It's on tonight at eight, both of them. Yes, short notice. I know. Don't shoot the messenger.
And a quick note: For those of you who saw the last double episode ("A Problem Like Maria/Communication Breakdown")...God. I still have adrenaline pumping through my system. Was it just me (and my entire family), or were they the two most intense episodes of the shows in, well, ever? Especially "Communication Breakdown", like the part where Hector Lopez was beating the shiitake mushrooms out of Ilsa, and she got the guts to...
   Oh, yeah. Spoiler. Just in case one of you DVR'd it and haven't gotten around to watching it yet. Seriously, though...Get on that, people! Being the number-one DVR'd show on cable won't save that show forever!
So, where was I last time? Ah, yes, the bios. And now (drumroll): the women of Human Target.
Ilsa Pucci (Indira Varma): Widowed billionaire philanthropist who bought the company and promised to be an "absentee owner"--her words, not mine. Yeah. Nice thought. Even nicer? If she had stuck to it. Routinely argues against everything that they want to do. Is utterly befuddled by what the heck she's doing there (yeah, we are, too). Makes goo-goo eyes at Chance. Worries me. When he was tearing her a new one for going down to the Triple Frontier by herself (for those of you who don't know, it's not exactly Disney World), she assumes he was worried about her because of, you know. Well, she didn't say that outright, but she had that smile on her face, and despite what she says, she doesn't have that great of a poker face, I don't care who she played with. Um, yeah, because you pay the bills, Ilsa, baby. Sorry to disappoint you. And thank God they had already used the mistletoe thing with Joel Applebaum in the Christmas episode, or...Oh, God. I don't want to think about it. Oh, yeah. Ended up with the team after her husband Marshall was killed in a plane crash that was really murder.
   Ames (Janet Montgomery): Chameleon thief who "has a lot of respect for" Guerrero and got mixed up in the plot to kidnap and kill Pucci woman. Knows Winston from her rough life and calls him "the slowest cop on the street" in the season two premiere. Punched in the face by Guerrero in the same episode. Convinced Chance and the others to help her pull off a diamond heist to save her friend--like-a-brother-friend--Brody in the "Taking Ames" episode. Could, admittedly, be more helpful, if only the writers would write her better and not fling her on the ground or make her get half-naked every time a crisis hits (see: "Lay Off Ames" rant on my other page). Give the girl a gun and some clothes and let's see what she can do! Please? Pure awesome fun.
Katherine Walters (Amy Acker): The girl who caused Chance to go straight. Killed by Baptiste, but you'll find out how I know about that real soon. Chance's Rottweiler, Carmine, was hers, and is shown in flashbacks in the only episode she was really in (the season finale, same as Old Chance) to be the cutest puppy in existence. Couldn't understand why anybody would want to hurt her. Knew how to use a gun because she was "single" and lived "downtown." Heard a gunshot, saw a stranger bleeding, and ran to help him, causing her to get mixed up in the mess, even though he only said "two words" and then he died. "It was all over in ten seconds." Thought she was better at baking than she apparently was. Trust me, if you're reading this and you already watch the show, you know what I'm talking about. If not, go look it up. Seemed to be the sweetest person in existence, even as she was pointing a gun at Chance. You could tell she knew how to take care of herself. Never seen saying "I love you to Chance" or vice versa, but kissed him for the first time about five minutes (in screen time, anyway) before she was, you know, blown up. Apparently. You know what? I miss her, too. I'm going to go open up a bodyguard agency in her honor with an ex-cop and a technical fixer, along with my super-cute Rottweiler, Carmine.
    Wait. Has that been done already?

1-20-11
GUERRERO UPDATE
What, that doesn't count as breaking news? You think I shouldn't be using caps? WELL, I'M GOING TO, THEN, BECAUSE I'M SUCH A CHILD!
Anyway, when you see what the news is, you might feel a bit different about that.
I watched the "Cool Hand Guerrero" episode over the weekend--one of the two that was preempted--and not only did they mention Guerrero's kid, Ames found a picture of him in Guerrero's personal briefcase (and he is, like, the cutest little thing on earth, on a little red tricycle), and Chance gave Guerrero a snow globe to give to him because "his birthday's coming up soon, right?" Guerrero smiles a little and says "Yeah" and Chance says "It's drug-free," because it's the kind of snow globes that the corrupt prison warden was using to hide meth and ship it across state lines.
Yes. It'll make sense if you see it.
And then, and then and then and then--yeah, I'm hyperventilating--in the end of the episode, you see Guerrero driving the ElDo up to a house that I'm guessing is in San Francisco as well, because you see shots of the bridge and stuff before you see him--and parking in the driveway, and the snow globe's box was on the seat next to him, and he gets out with the box and walks up to the house, and on the edge of the lawn is the kid's red trike from the photo. And this is all set to Townes Van Zandt's "I'll Be Here for a While." And yes. I was crying. Hard. And I cried every time I've seen it since then. Three times. Just as hard.
Oh, shut up. You have no soul, Pennywise.
It's another "episode" thing. I guess It's not fair to just say that, though, and leave you with no way to see it, so...here. Here you go.
http://www.fox.com/humantarget/recaps/season-2/episode-10/
Happy birthday.

1-26-11
You know, I just got done watching the "Cool Hand Guerrero" half of the last Human Target double episode, and I realized that I've cried every time. Just to let you know, in case you were one of those people who cares about things like that.
Just sayin'.

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD...

And I--along with some other Target fans, if I'm guessing right--don't feel fine. I've been looking up some stuff about the next-next episode of the show, which will bring back Harry, Tony Hale's bumbling PI, and I found a piece of information that, while it doesn't name anybody specific, says that "two team members get closer than ever."

Oh, God, no. If that means what I think it means, and with who I think it means, then I'm...about to...

Hey, I'm back. Sorry it took so long. I just had to go hurl.

Seriously, haven't you-know-who gotten close enough already? Enough to, you know, make me puke up my ice cream, liver, and half of my appendix? Plus some of the lining of my stomach? God, FOX, give us a break, will you? I mean, if you're gonna take the show out, make sure they go with some dignity, won't you, like Chance would? Don't make it kamikaze with Chance and Ilsa sucking face or whatever, please?

I'm just hoping, like I told some people: Maybe they meant it humorously, like Ames and Winston get locked in the trunk of a car together and she tells him why she hustled on the streets or something like that. or Guerrero and Winston get locked in the therapy box from iCarly: iSam's Mom: "Nobody comes out until those two learn to love!" Or, since FOX apparently likes messing with our heads with the time slot changes and preemptings and stuff...

SURPRISE TWIST! WINSTON AND ILSA!

What? I can hope, can't I? That's why the show is dying, people! Because nobody has any hope anymore! That, and because the schedule-people at FOX are "mechanics" who are out to murder it, dude. And don't believe anything they say about their plans for it. I don't. Know why? Don't trust the system enough, dude. BELIEVE! YOU NEED TO BELIEVE! THAT IS THE ONLY WAY OUT OF FOX CANCELING THIS SHOW! THAT, AND WATCHING IT! BELIEVE! AND WATCH! (NEW TIME, MONDAYS AT EIGHT. NO FRIDAY KILL-SLOT YET, THANK GOD. BUT JUST YOU WAIT...AND BELIEVE, AND WATCH, WHILE YOU WAIT!)

Please?

I asked nicely once. I won't ask nicely again.

    And Guerrero knows where you live.

    1-29-11
Well, we all knew it would happen. And no, I'm not talking about the show being canceled-- although judging by what I've been seeing and hearing, that's not too far off, either--: I'm talking about the season--yes, possible series--finale. I've found some early promotional pictures on a TV website, and do they give stuff away...without giving anything away at all. That's just the kind of show this is. (I will not say "was." Ever.) You can see pictures from it, and speculate on them and what, exactly, they mean, but when you see the show it'll be completely different. And most of these are no exception. I mean, you see Ames, Winston, and even Ilsa pointing guns at somebody--or even something, I guess--but you can't see who or what it is.
Well, except the last picture. That one doesn't involve a gun. That one's pretty straightforward. It's snowing. I think they're on a roof. It involves Chance and Ilsa. And Chance is holding Ilsa's hands (well, you can only see one. But from the way they're standing, it's pretty understandable that he's holding the other.).
BLECGH!!!!!!!!!!
Terribly sorry, as (Miss) Ilsa might say. I just had to go, you know...
   Vomit up my very soul.
If you feel like losing some weight by vomiting up your very own immortal soul, here's a gift for you. No, don't thank me, please. Really. I'm not kidding. Don't thank me. I don't like doing this. I'm all for a good torture. But this...This just isn't fair.
http://www.daemonstv.com/2011/01/26/human-target-marshall-pucci-season-2-episode-13-photos/human-target-marshall-pucci-4/
Please excuse me, would you? I have some leftover soul I missed the first time lying on the floor, and I really must go clean it up.
And I really have to stop blogging in a fake Pucci-English accent.
Gotta go, dude!
*wiping my brow in relief* There. That's better. A little.
Go away, pain. Go away.

2-4-11

Dear Ilsa,

From the beginning, I have hated you. I've judged you, despised you, loathed you. I said it was a mistake to put you in there. You're a bossy, nagging, annoying, uptight woman, and for much of the season I've wanted to punch you in the face. Not anymore. Now...Now I want to blow you in half with a bazooka. I want to kick you til you're dead. I want to stab you in the eye with one of the heels of your freaking shoes.

Just when I was beginning to like you, too.

Just when I was beginning to think that maybe you weren't that bad, that maybe I could learn to tolerate you and maybe even like you--just when I began to see you as more than just a trophy wife, as someone who grew up in Belfast during "someone else's fight" and who had nine-millimeter slugs on her back, who appealed to me by saying she worked "really hard" to make something of herself instead of using fancy-rich British words, after you killed your first man and we watched you get a little stronger--and a little weaker--, just after you chose to stick with your new group instead of giving in to your mannish-looking sister-in-law's demand that you sever all ties with them or else be kicked out of the Marshall Pucci Foundation (uttering the bad-ass line "Give my regards to the board" when you went to rescue Chance, bonus points for you for doing it in a long dress and heels), just when I was beginning to think that maybe I had been wrong and you were a different person than the one I had judged you to be, you, in Monday's episode "Kill Bob," crossed a sacred line, turned around, peed on that line, and went on your merry way.

You told Chance he had never been in love.

Never been in love, Ilsa? And you also implied that he didn't know what it felt like to lose somebody that you did. WHAT THE FREAKING F--- IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN? Were you or were you not there when Winston told you (or maybe you have a twin--God help us all) that Baptiste--the man Chance was going to for help to save one of your friends, against his better judgment--had killed a woman Chance loved? I saw your face, Ilsa. You talked to Winston about it. But that doesn't mean anything, right? He probably didn't love her, right? And you know that he has or has not loved anybody all through his life, right? Have you or have you not admitted yourself that you don't know everything about those you work with? And yet you know he's never been in love? Good job. I don't know why you're sticking around there; why don't you go be a psychic and make even more millions?

And seriously, Ilsa, you are soooo lucky that I wasn't Chance when you said that. I would have shot you right there (as you can tell, I have very little self-control). The look on his face...Remind me, again, how you felt when Chance implied you were just a "trophy wife whose only survival instinct was to find a willing billionaire and marry him"? Didn't like that, did you? Well, multiply that by a thousand, you...

And then add a million more.

You know, when I found out Marshall might have been cheating on you before he died, I was starting to feel bad, like maybe you had been through enough and you didn't deserve any more. Then, not even two minutes later, you said that. My sympathy flew out the window like your private jet, sweetheart. I hope he went Tiger Woods all over you. And I can't even like you in the other episodes because they're all tainted. I'll be thinking about your comment while I'm trying to like you again. So, sorry, I guess I was right to judge you. And I hate you again.

Love, NiteOwl.

P.S.--This isn't done yet. I'll be watching "The Trouble With Harry" soon, and I'll be back. Promise. (And I, unlike you, "absentee owner," always keep my promises.)

2-12-11

DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY

Actually, it's the other way around. Was it just me, or, in the "Imbroglio" episode, did Ilsa's sister (brother?)-in-law, Connie, look more like a guy in an evening dress than a girl? I mean, her body, maybe, but I've seen some pretty convincing he-shes out there, like on COPS episodes and stuff, and that face...God, it was like it had been hit by a frying pan, like the one Rachel Leigh Cook swung around in that anti-drug ad she did a few years ago (I had to watch it in school). It was square, with those strong bones that never look good on girls, and the way her hair was cut didn't help any, what with the chopped-off way it was, and the way it was swept toward her cheeks and chin, accentuating them even more in a way that really didn't help her any. Maybe it her hair had been longer, it could have helped by hiding those bones in her face a little better, but it was just chopped-off. I mean, Guerrero had longer hair than her (him?). Gah! I'm getting freaked out over here!

Sorry. Had a spazz attack after realizing that the crew's resident sociopath had longer hair than Connie.

And Connie can be a dude's name...Remember the season finale, when, in the flashback, Chance, under an assumed name, told Winston he could call him Connie? Yeah. So do I. And it's frea-ky....

Wait. Is it just me on this? Go look at her! She's a "him," I'm telling you!

And no, I'm not just jealous of her, various family members, about the whole box-seats-in-Venice thing, so shut up. To quote Rigby in Regular Show: "STOP TALKING!"

Shes a dude. Trust me.

And possibly actually more annoying than Ilsa.

Spazz attack time again!

LATER

Here's a little song I spoofed for Human Target (yeah, I like doing that; I'm gonna be the next Weird Al Yankovic).

BASED ON MATCHBOX TWENTY'S "UNWELL"

UNWELL (HUMAN TARGET REMIX)

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Putting up with comments on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow's episode might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like we're headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why

It's not a bad show, it's just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But watch our first season and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

We're not dying, we're just a little impaired
I know, right now viewers don't care
But soon enough they're gonna think of me
And how it used to be

Me
Rarely being advertised in public
Showing Chance dodge bullets on a train
I know
I know they've all been blogging 'bout me
I can hear critics whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours editing
Somehow
I've lost my storyline

It's not a bad show, it's just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But watch my first season and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

We're not dying, we're just a little impaired
I know right now viewers don't care
But soon enough they're gonna think of me
And how it used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to cancel me
Yeah, they're taking me away

We're not a bad show, we're just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But watch awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
We're not dying we're just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how it used to be
Hey, how it used to be
How it used to be, yeah
Well it's just a little unwell
How it used to be
How it used to be

2-16-11

I'M NOT CRAZY, I'M JUST A HUMAN TARGET FAN

I used to think I was insane. Really, I did. And if not fully, then I was definitely missing some vital component of my brain makeup relating to saneness. But, now I'm happy to report that I have found people who, well, make me look normal.

They're called Human Target fans.

And not fans like me or you, either. I'm talking about the casual fans. The annoying ones. The bandwagon ones who hopped on this season and who don't know how good the show could be. The ones who want a third season.

Yeah, I know. Freaking crazy, right? I mean, I've been looking at message boards and everything--gotta keep tabs on my competition, and all--and I discovered that they've been saying things like "Great episode!" and "Keep it up!" for the past few episodes which, actually, kinda made me want to die a little when I saw them. (Except for "Cool Hand Guerrero." But, you know, his kid) And people have been saying they hope it gets renewed. "Where is Season Three?" they're asking. "When?"

Hopefully, never.

I mean, they blew that show up. Turned it into a piece of adrenaline-flavored generic cough medicine--something that you take when you're really sick, but you wish it tasted as good as the real stuff. It used to be good. It had potential. I mean, isn't that why they tell us not to do drugs when we're in school? Because of our freaking potential? And yet FOX pumped this thing full of heroin. And we, the loyal viewers, are the ones who have to pay for that.

There is nowhere they could go in a third season that we would actually want to follow them to, even devoutists like me. Just the thought of it is scary. I mean, I feel like I should cross myself or something. They've twisted, perverted, mutilated, and generally wrecked it so badly that it's become a fat horse with a broken leg, and they need to shoot it in the head, and fast, before we all shoot ourselves. I mean, the thing is my favorite show, but lately--since, like, the end of "Kill Bob"--I've been gripping my head and screaming "MY EYES! THEY BURN! MAKE IT STOP! OH, THE HORROR!"

And nobody wants that from a favorite show, do they?

2-26-11
Here's another song for you. I hope you like it.

BASED ON JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S "SEXYBACK"

PLEASE DON'T BRING "TARGET" BACK

Please don't bring "Target" back
Mrs. Pucci don’t know how to act
They were special, now I don't want them back
Unless they turn it around and pick up the slack

Take 'em to the bridge

[Bridge]
Look here, dude
You see these shackles
I was their slave
But FOX just went and misbehaved
It's been a while since I've felt that way

Take 'em to the chorus

[Chorus]
Come here FOX
Go ahead, be gone with it
Take 'em out back
Go ahead, be gone with it
Shoot 'em in knees
Go ahead, be gone with it
Put 'em outta their misery
Go ahead, be gone with it
I liked what they were working with
Go ahead, be gone with it
Look at those scenes
Go ahead, be gone with it
They made me smile
Go ahead, be gone with it
Like they were my child
Go ahead, be gone with it
And get your new show on on
Go ahead, be gone with it

Get your new show on

Go ahead, be gone with it
[Repeat 6 times]

Get your new show on

Please don't bring "Target" back

For those f----rs it was all an act
They need to make up for the things we lack
'Cause it's burning up I wish we had it back

Take 'em to the bridge

Look here, dude
You see these shackles
I was their slave
But FOX just went and misbehaved
It's been a while since I've felt that way

Come here FOX
Go ahead, be gone with it
Take 'em out back
Go ahead, be gone with it
Shoot 'em in the knees
Go ahead, be gone with it
Put 'em outta their misery
Go ahead, be gone with it
I liked what they were working with
Go ahead, be gone with it
Look at those scenes
Go ahead, be gone with it
They made me smile
Go ahead, be gone with it
Like they were my child
Go ahead, be gone with it
And get your new show on on
Go ahead, be gone with it

[Verse 3]
Please don't bring "Target" back
Mrs. Pucci I wish I could attack
If that’s your girl you better watch your back
Cause she burned the show up for me and that’s a fact

Take 'em to the chorus

Come here FOX
Go ahead, be gone with it
Take 'em out back
Go ahead, be gone with it
Shoot 'em in knees
Go ahead, be gone with it
Put 'em outta their misery
Go ahead, be gone with it
I liked what they were working with
Go ahead, be gone with it
Look at those scenes
Go ahead, be gone with it
They made me smile
Go ahead, be gone with it
Like they were my child
Go ahead, be gone with it
And get your new show on on
Go ahead, be gone with it

You like? Well, I'm exercising my inner Weird Al Yankovic today, so here's another for your viewing pleasure.

I met her in a ashram down in North Tibet
And she drinks champagne while I like Coca Cola
C-O-L-A Cola.

She walked up to me and she asked me to come back
I asked her name and in a British voice she said, "Ilsa"
I-L-S-A Ilsa, Il Il Il Ilsa

Well, he's not the world's most violent guy,
But she annoyed Winston so bad he nearly broke her spine
Oh my Ilsa, Il Il Il Ilsa

Well, I'm not dumb but I can't understand
Why we have to date just 'cause she is a woman and I am a man
Oh my Ilsa, Il Il Il Ilsa, Il Il Il Ilsa

Well, we drank champagne and waited all night,
Under electric candlelight,
We fell to the ground yeah we fell to our knees,
She said, "Chance won't you protect me?"

Well, I'm not the world's most passionate guy,
But when I looked in her eyes,
I almost fell for that Ilsa,

Il Il Il Ilsa, Il Il Il Ilsa

She ran away, she ran to the door.

We fell to the floor we got down on our knees.
I looked at her, and she at me.

Well I know that the viewer's don't want her to stay

They just want her to go away that Ilsa Lola

Il Il Il Ilsa

Boys will be boys, and girls will be girls.
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world,
except for Ilsa

Il Il Il Ilsa Il Il Il Ilsa

Well I'd left Tibet just a week before,
and I'd never expected to walk back through that door,
But Ilsa smiled and put money in my hand

and said, "Chance, thought you were a braver man."

Well I'm not the world's bravest man,
but I know that I am but, man,
I like Ilsa

Il Il Il Ilsa Il Il Il Ilsa

3-3-11

PLACES I WILL NEVER GO AFTER WATCHING HUMAN TARGET

PART ONE

1) A bullet train

Because the brakes will fail because corners were cut just as we top a hundred and are heading towards a tunnel, and the whole episode will inevitably end with my husband trying to kill me for an affair I had with the reporter that I leaked the whole cutting-corners thing to a couple years ago.

2) A plane

Because on board the flight will be a computer hacker that everyone is gunning for because she holds a skeleton key to the whole internet, which will lead to a brawl (involving a spork) in the back of the plane, which will lead to a shot being fired, which will lead to a fire in the engine, which will lead to the whole d--m plane having to be flipped upside-down.

3) The Russian embassy

Because inside will be a mole attempting to sell weapon designs to the Russians, which will lead me to meet an FBI agent hunting the same guy I am, which will lead to us both being captured and held while I'm dying from a poison that's both "airborne and lethal," and I will only escape certain death at the last freaking second.

4) A remote monastery in Canada

Because the place will come under siege by a psychopathic criminal gang searching for a high-value artifact and the place will be wired to blow while my best bomb-diffusing guy is seemingly selling me out to my old boss, and the whole thing will end with the wire being cut at one second left and a climatic fight in a gondola hanging over a mountain where, at least one time, the protecté will be dangling out, clinging to the edge and broken glass.

5) A bridge

Because I'll be there to rendezvous with a gang contact, who is actually my father, and while there, dirty cops will come and spray us with gunfire to keep him and me from talking, and this will eventually lead to a climatic chase through the streets of San Francisco in a stolen ambulance.

6) Any building run by computers

Because you don't want to be anywhere near a place that "nothing happens in without it knowing about it." Nothing good can come from that, even if it's an orphanage or puppy rescue.

7) The South American jungle

Not that I was planning on going there anyway. But still.

8) FBI Headquarters (D.C.)

Because they will inevitable find out that I don't belong there, and the assassin I'm chasing--who I was raised with like a brother and who I trained--will know I'm there, and we will fight on the roof, leading to a building exploding across the street with the agent from the embassy supposedly still inside, which will lead to a train station, where the assassin will be arrested by the agent, who actually isn't dead after all. Also, you will find out the creepy guy I'm partners with has a kid.

Actually, I might want to stick around for this one. It sounds kinda cool.

9) Fighting Championships in Belgium

Because an evil rich guy will want to fix the fight, and I'll refuse to take a dive, which will lead to the guy who loaned me money selling me out and the evil guy's henchmen to tie cement blocks to my ankles and push me in a pool. Of course, I end up winning the fight anyway, but I don't want to go through all that crap to do it. There has to be an easier way. Like simply kicking the crap outta a guy.

10) New York City

Because the princess will be in love with a commoner, and because she wants to divorce her royal husband, he wants her dead, which will lead me to ask a guy for help who put bounties on the princess's head when she was eight. It will also lead to my partners and the commoner to be barricaded in the commoner's uncle's garage by a sniper, until one of them shoots him, and then they escape--in an ambulance. Again?????

11) An island in Alaska

Because the doctor there will discover that the company is using a toxic chemical in its mine and they caused a death, which will lead to them wanting her dead, which will lead to company goons blowing up a mine with us in it and carbon dioxide leaking and, apparently, no way out.

12) The docks in San Francisco

Because I will see a man get shot, run to help him, and hear him say something I wasn't supposed to hear, which will set off a chain of events that include a hitman turning good because he loves me, bad cookies I think are good, a Rottweiler puppy named Carmine, a showdown with another assassin on the same docks where everything got started, my death in a boat explosion, and Lee Majors getting knifed and dying. And that's not good for anybody.

3-16-11

JAILHOUSE ROCK

Maybe because it's because I take Mass Media class at school and therefore I am in tune with what is commonly called Plot Holes and Bad Editing, or maybe I just pay more attention for reasons I won't go into here, but around my third or fourth viewing of "Cool Hand Guerrero," I realized something.

In the car, when Chance and Winston are discussing Guerrero's arrest and apparent framing, outside Gun World, just before Chance goes in, Chance says the evidence says that Guerrero bought the gun that killed Jerry at three-fourteen PM. But later, when they're in their motel room and they're reviewing the tape, and Winston says "That definitely ain't Guerrero," the clock in the corner of the tape says it's 3:46 PM, with a couple odd seconds here and there. Well, of course it's not, because apparently he bought the gun a half hour earlier! Isn't it strange that a first-year Mass Media student caught what, I'm guessing, senior, experienced editors didn't?

Is there anyone else out there bothered by this, or is it just me?

3-19-11

I MISS HUMAN TARGET

I know, I know. Moaning about it won't change anything. Well, then, why do I? Good question. I don't know the answer, though. I think I'll post on here again when I figure it out.

NiteOwl out.

4-7-11

IF YOU GIVE A MONKEY A TYPEWRITER...

...it will eventually write Romeo and Juliet. Or so they say.

But never mind the monkey. It's Human Target I'm concerned about. For the second season, they apparently gave a drunken, crackhead, glue-sniffing primate a Mac, and we're the ones that suffered for it. But because I suffered, I also managed to find small moments that surprised me by not sucking. And so I have created the First--and Hopefully Only--Monkey With a Keyboard Award to celebrate the moments here and there where, surprisingly, my eyes did not explode and melt out of my face (how many times can you put eyeballs back into somebody's head before you can't anymore, you think? 'Cause I'm probably near the limit, if there is one.).

THE "WTH" MOMENT AWARDS (and the episodes that created them):

Chance can puke on cue??? ("Imbroglio")

Maria got married??? ("The Problem with Maria")

Somebody's more annoying than Ilsa??? ("Imbroglio")

SPAWN OF GUERRERO ("Cool Hand Guerrero")

Guerrero has an actual friend??? ("Cool Hand Guerrero")

Winston has an ex-wife??? ("Dead Head")

Ames was in a room with a van full of cash and had enough restraint to not run away with it??? ("Dead Head")

Ilsa can shoot a gun??? ("Communication Breakdown")
Guerrero can play the sax??? ("Kill Bob")

NOTE: I have not seen the last two episodes yet; I'm trying to work my strength up. When I do, I'm sure I'll have some honorary WTH awards to give out.

THE "EPISODES THAT WERE MOST LIKE SEASON ONE AND SO THEY ACTUALLY WEREN'T THAT BAD" AWARDS

"The Wife's Tale"

"Taking Ames"

"The Return of Baptiste"

"Dead Head"

"The Problem with Maria/Communication Breakdown"

"Imbroglio/Cool Hand Guerrero"

THE "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL" AWARD

Ames
THE "NO SYMPATHY FOR THE FREAKING DEVIL, NOW CALL ME AN EXORCIST BEFORE MY F***ING HEAD EXPLODES" AWARD
Ilsa

See? No forced banter, no crappy stunts to get viewers to turn in, no messing with something that wasn't broken in the first place...

Maybe I should have written for Human Target.

4-18-11

I read an article about Comic-Con and found myself...intrigued by what they said they were going to talk about in season three (three words: Guerrero's ex-wife). I was also intrigued by the fact that they mentioned Ilsa...not once.

Interesting............

You know what else is interesting? That the first trailer they put out for season two never appeared in the show at all. Ever. It showed the three of them, and I think they put it out to get people to watch it because they would think it was going to be like season one all over again, because it was very funny and watchable. Heck, those forty-seven seconds were more enjoyable than some whole episodes this time around.

Don't believe me? Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le27pXJGuBc

Interesting...

5-14-11

R.I.P HUMAN TARGET

"Agony/beyond power of speech/when the one thing you want/is the only thing out of your reach..."

--"Agony," Into The Woods

On Tuesday, May tenth, Target succumbed after a long battle with Crappy Second-Season Writing Syndrome, Characters Who Did Not Belong (Yet or Ever) Disease, and Wow the Producers Really F---ed Everything All Up, Didn't They? Writing Syndrome.

The first season of Human Target was obviously its best, though several episodes in season two managed to rise above the mess and be halfway decent. Others looked like a troop of drunken squirrels had been given an iPad and told to go wild with it. Their battle was slow and painful not just to them but to all the fans watching them slowly wasting away.

Human Target is survived by an expansive crew and cast (some who are dearly beloved and some who are...not), some guest stars who had the sense to stay away from season two, DVDs, and awesome (and awesomely long) first-season soundtrack, their lovable Rottweiler Carmine, and their loyal fans (bandwagoners need not apply), who are both saddened by the loss and relieved that Human Target's suffering is finally over.

"We had joy we had fun we had season in the sun/but the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time..."

--Terry Jacks, "Seasons in the Sun"