It's All in the Name

  Have you ever seen a movie title where you just look at it and automatically know that it's going to be scary, or sad, or cheesy, or funny, or just plain bad? And you're told all throughout your school years and by various PBS after-school specials and stuff not to judge a book by its cover, but have you noticed that, when you do, most often than not, you're right? I'm not telling you to. God knows I've been wrong about that kind of stuff before. But with movies...yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and say that usually, like nine out of ten times, you'll be right. Not always, because of sleeper hits and stuff like that, but go ahead. Give it a go. Look at some movie titles--old or new, doesn't matter--, make a guess about them, and go look 'em up, see how many times you're right. Here's a list to get you started.

• "Maniac Cop III: Badge of Silence"--I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that it's not a movie about Mr. Friendly, the lovable neighborhood traffic cop and his impact on inner-city "street" kids, who shows them that there's a life outside the 'hood through the use of inspiring, completely random song-and-dance numbers and is tragically killed by a Yugo in the middle of the film, which causes the kids to leave the ghetto and go up against the rich preppy kids in a dance-off "for Mr. Friendly!", which they will of course win because they have the warm, loving spirit of Mr. Friendly guiding them and looking out for them, and who departs at the tearful end of the ten-hankie film with the ever-guiding words: "I'll always be with you, kids, whenever you cross the street!"
• "Little Children"--Not a Winnie-the-Pooh movie, let me just guess that
• "The Hills Run Red"-- Don't think they're talking about a romantic sunset over a pretty, pretty beach, do you? Nah, didn't think so. 
• "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot"--Shoot what? And who's your mom? WHAT'S THIS MOVIE ABOUT?
• anything involving giant spiders and/or primates
• "Child's Play"--Really? Oh, well, it's got "Child" in the title. I'm sure my kid can see it...um, not really. (Little Billy): "Mommy, why does that doll have a giant knife? And...OH MY GOD!!! OH MY FREAKING GOD!" And there you go, Mom, you just scarred the kid for life.
• "The Descent"--Oh, spelunking! A fun, wholesome summertime activity! Wholesome. As in, meal. 
• "Honey"--My guess? A movie about magical dancing bears. You agree? 
• "Alvin and the Chipmunks/The Squeakquel"--AHHH! THE HORROR! TURN IT OFF! 

  Then again, there are always movies that surprise me: 

• "Jumper"--Good movie. Surprisingly, not about suicidal and/or severely depressed people, or a Third Eye Blind concert documentary 
• "The Island"--Not a buddy-buddy comedy about summer-themed hijinks on la isla bonita. 
• "All the King's Men"--I thought it was an animated kids movie about Humpty-Dumpty. I was wrong. 

  And sometimes, you get movies like The Last King of Scotland and Dodgeball. And yes. They're about exactly what you think they're about. See, moviegoers? Not everything in life has to be complicated.    
  Just...do me a favor and try not to get pulled over by Maniac Cop on your way home today, okay? Especially not if he carries a...badge of silence.
  Dun-dun-dunhh.