Well. I'm Angry.

  Yeah, yeah, I know, Dad. When am I ever not angry? But this is not just angry, my blog-reading friend. This is serious angry. This is not-fun angry. This is can-only-be-worked-out-by-listening-to-the-Offspring's-"You're-Gonna-Go-Far-Kid"-very-loudly-multiple-times-on-a constantly-repeating-loop-angry.
  And do you want to know why I'm so angry? Why I'm so gut-punchingly angry? Why I'm soul-out-my-mouth angry? And no, it's not for the reason I vomited up all my soul juice on my Dude Do NOT Bleed on the ElDo page, so do you really wanna know? You sure? Okay, I warned you. Sicko.
  Because I AM A JINX.
  Yeah, yeah, I know, you non-superstitious people, jinxes don't exist. Well, I don't care to hear your opinion on this right now, so why don't you go take your Doubters of America hat and shove it up your... 
  Oh. Bad writer. Very bad writer. I almost did something...regrettable there. Could you tell? 
  Sorry. Kind of.
  Anyway, I am just as much of a jinx as Friday the thirteenth. I mean it, too. Like Greg Mendel, that bored monk in Australia or wherever who had all the pea plants--I'll start paying attention in Biology, I promise--, I have data to back my findings up. Lots and lots of it. 
  Jinx One: My Stories 
  I like to write (can you tell?). I want to be published some day. I know I have a way to go yet, so I ask my friends to read my stuff for me and tell me what they think. Well, I did. Not anymore. You'll see why next.

  Disclaimer: None of these friends were foreign exchange students. I did not know they were going to move before I let them read my stuff. Doubt me if you will. It's true. 

• N: The first to read my stories. Read three before her dad got a job transfer all of a sudden and moved them out-of-town out of the clear blue sky
• C: The second. Read three, as well. The same three, now that I'm realizing. Oh, God. Dad got a job transfer as well. Moved to same new town N did, albeit before she did, by a few weeks, give or take. Hmm...
• T1: Read a long story, and then multiple short ones (N and C all read long ones). Was supposed to move but didn't (wait, it gets better). Read a couple more. Moved. Out of state. Read part of one I sent her accidentally over e-mail, before it was finished. Moved to yet another state. (All different than N and C)
• T2: Read two long stories. Wasn't moving last I saw her, before summer break. I came to school this year: She's gone. Of course
• A: Read about half a short story on the bus home over a few weeks (what? It's a short ride, and she gets headaches). Wasn't moving. Moved over the summer

  And this was all over THE SAME YEAR.  

  Jinx Two: TV shows. 

  Me and my dad and basically my whole family are the same way (is being a jinx genetic?). Every time we like a show, it gets canceled. Here's some shows that I've helped to axe, simply by watching it:

• Unnatural History (Cartoon Network, 2010): The adventures of teenage Henry Griffin (who was played by a 24-year-old who actually did look like a high school sophomore/junior), who has apparently been every place all over the world except a normal high school. His anthropologist parents send him to live with his uncle Brian and cousin Jasper, and he befriends the smart, pretty, totally awesome Maggie Winnock ("What I Like About You," indeed). His parents sent him to D.C. to keep him out of trouble. So what the heck do you think he's going to find there but that? Still, if it had to end after just one season, they wrapped it up pretty nicely, I think, considering that it was just supposed to be the season finale (don't you hate when they do that to you?); no cliffhangers or anything like that. So that was pretty nice. Plus, the ending itself was pretty sweet (and I mean sweet like nice, not sweet like cool). Although, the ending is passport-stamped with a pretty ironic "To Be Continued!" Wonder if they'll take that off if they ever release the danged thing on DVD? (Like the Facebook page for that, please! Jaggy--Jasper-Maggie-Henry--MUST live on!) 

• Human Target (FOX, 2010): I've written about this before. Extensively. So I'll spare you a base plot here. (Go check out my other page if you're somehow still lost) And while technically it's not canceled yet, the axe is poised to fall. (And yes. I will cry. And I cried for UH. Just sayin'.) And I believe this is because I like it. Well, me and my family. And a friend I turned onto it...T1, the one who was supposed to move but didn't, and then moved twice. Oh. I see where this might be going. Hey. At least this got a season two. And someday, when it's all I have, I might learn to like Ilsa. Or at least tolerate her. 

  Nah.

  Sure, maybe there's only two, but isn't that enough? It's getting bad. Real bad. I might have to go live in a cave away from the rest of society now, I am such a jinx. Might as well go find a cave to live in. 

  Hey. At least with a cave, they don't charge you to have pets. Do they?

  Well, I'm a jinx. With my luck, they will.
  

It's All in the Name

  Have you ever seen a movie title where you just look at it and automatically know that it's going to be scary, or sad, or cheesy, or funny, or just plain bad? And you're told all throughout your school years and by various PBS after-school specials and stuff not to judge a book by its cover, but have you noticed that, when you do, most often than not, you're right? I'm not telling you to. God knows I've been wrong about that kind of stuff before. But with movies...yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and say that usually, like nine out of ten times, you'll be right. Not always, because of sleeper hits and stuff like that, but go ahead. Give it a go. Look at some movie titles--old or new, doesn't matter--, make a guess about them, and go look 'em up, see how many times you're right. Here's a list to get you started.

• "Maniac Cop III: Badge of Silence"--I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that it's not a movie about Mr. Friendly, the lovable neighborhood traffic cop and his impact on inner-city "street" kids, who shows them that there's a life outside the 'hood through the use of inspiring, completely random song-and-dance numbers and is tragically killed by a Yugo in the middle of the film, which causes the kids to leave the ghetto and go up against the rich preppy kids in a dance-off "for Mr. Friendly!", which they will of course win because they have the warm, loving spirit of Mr. Friendly guiding them and looking out for them, and who departs at the tearful end of the ten-hankie film with the ever-guiding words: "I'll always be with you, kids, whenever you cross the street!"
• "Little Children"--Not a Winnie-the-Pooh movie, let me just guess that
• "The Hills Run Red"-- Don't think they're talking about a romantic sunset over a pretty, pretty beach, do you? Nah, didn't think so. 
• "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot"--Shoot what? And who's your mom? WHAT'S THIS MOVIE ABOUT?
• anything involving giant spiders and/or primates
• "Child's Play"--Really? Oh, well, it's got "Child" in the title. I'm sure my kid can see it...um, not really. (Little Billy): "Mommy, why does that doll have a giant knife? And...OH MY GOD!!! OH MY FREAKING GOD!" And there you go, Mom, you just scarred the kid for life.
• "The Descent"--Oh, spelunking! A fun, wholesome summertime activity! Wholesome. As in, meal. 
• "Honey"--My guess? A movie about magical dancing bears. You agree? 
• "Alvin and the Chipmunks/The Squeakquel"--AHHH! THE HORROR! TURN IT OFF! 

  Then again, there are always movies that surprise me: 

• "Jumper"--Good movie. Surprisingly, not about suicidal and/or severely depressed people, or a Third Eye Blind concert documentary 
• "The Island"--Not a buddy-buddy comedy about summer-themed hijinks on la isla bonita. 
• "All the King's Men"--I thought it was an animated kids movie about Humpty-Dumpty. I was wrong. 

  And sometimes, you get movies like The Last King of Scotland and Dodgeball. And yes. They're about exactly what you think they're about. See, moviegoers? Not everything in life has to be complicated.    
  Just...do me a favor and try not to get pulled over by Maniac Cop on your way home today, okay? Especially not if he carries a...badge of silence.
  Dun-dun-dunhh.

 

"As You Can See..." I'm Pretty Annoyed

  I've had an unusually large amount of substitute teachers these past few months, and I've noticed something strange. Do these people all go to the same guy who tells them how to talk to the students? Because every substitute teacher I've had in this time period--and now that I think about it, my whole school life--has started their class out the same freaking way: "As you can see, your teacher is not here today." (Occasionally, we get "As you can tell" or "Obviously") 
  Thank you so much, Mr./Mrs. Substitute! I couldn't see that was a different person in the front of the classroom than my normal, everyday teacher! Thank you SO FREAKING MUCH! Especially when my teacher is a boy and I have a girl, and vice versa!
  I mean, am I blind or something? I mean, I am, but I have glasses, and I can see fine with them, thank you! And the other kids aren't, either! Is that just something you have to say to make sure you're not teaching a class of stupid people or something, Substitute Teacher Person? Or break the ice? Do you go to many parties? Is that what you say to pick up people you find hot? "As you can see, I don't know you, but I find you very attractive." Gah! 
  BECAUSE I COULDN'T SEE THAT ON MY OWN!?!?!?

Just a Fan Devoted

  Hey. I'm a New Orleans Saints fan, and I always will be, no matter how many times they lose to a seven-and-nine team (but seriously, guys? I flinched a little bit. And got sad). But I'm also a Steelers fan. And that team is currently on their way to yet another Superbowl. So, in their honor, here's a little spoof fight song I composed for them:
  

GO STEELERS!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah ah ha
you know what they wear

Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow

Yeah ah ha, you know what they wear

everytime they win, they win big

Yeah ah ha, screaming thats nothin
when they ran into the endzone, thats stuntin
reppin my team when you see me you know we always wi

Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow
I put it down from my hat to my jersey i'm in

Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow

Uh, black shirt, yellow pants
the jets scared of it but them fans aint
soon as I hit the fieldlook at them fans face
put the pedal once make the stadium shake
run it on the inside, crowd roaring
it’s the big game you know what they pay for it
and we got the pedal to the metal
got you jets checking game I’m balling out on every level
hear them haters talk but there’s nothing you can tell em
just won a million, got another superbowl on my schedule
no love for em teams that be losing games

no keys, push the start

Yeah ah ha, you know what they wear

everytime they win, they win big

Yeah ah ha, screaming thats nothin
when they ran into the endzone, thats stuntin
reppin my team when you see me you know we always wi

Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow
I put it down from my hat to my jersey i'm in

Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow

Got a call from my jeweler this just in
superbowl ring and the fans love us 'cuz we're takin them there again

not a jets fan but they lost though
win for one night I’m shining all week yo

We're balling and rocking yellow tight pants

so many rings on my fingers can't tell which is which got a pocket full of big money

throw the football up cuz every team that we play loses badly

Yeah ah ha, you know what they wear

everytime they win, they win big

Yeah ah ha, screaming thats nothin
when they ran into the endzone, thats stuntin
reppin my team when you see me you know we always win

Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow
I put it down from my hat to my jersey i'm in

Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow

Kick high like how we're supposed to do
that crowd underneath them jets can’t get close and lose

and our team look unapproachable
super clean but its super mean
jets wanna f--k with us steelers

win big count stacks
get fly and take trips and thats that
real football kick it high if you want to feel
superbowl drop feel, 2011 the top peel back

Yeah ah ha, you know what they wear

everytime they win, they win big

Yeah ah ha, screaming thats nothin
when they ran into the endzone, thats stuntin
reppin my team when you see me you know we always wi

Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow
I put it down from my hat to my jersey i'm in

Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow
Black and yellow, black and yellow

P.S.--Happy belated birthday to my friend Erin, who was completely understanding about the lateness of this post. Thank you! Happy Late Birthday! (January 24th)

How Do You Know?

  And no, not that he loves you. How do you know if a snake is a boy or a girl? I've been wondering that all month with my friends, and it's driving us crazy. I mean, a snake is a line. Just a line with scales and sometimes a rattle that tastes like chicken. Or so I've heard. I mean, I've never actually had snake, I just heard that from some people who have. But, really, how do you know that it tastes like chicken, and chicken just doesn't taste like snake? 
  Philosophy. Spooooo-ky. 
  Anyway, back to the topic at hand. How do you know? Snakes don't have features. They're not like humans and stuff. Are they like clownfish? Can they change their genders to meet their needs? (And yes, that's so disturbing on so many levels) HOW CAN YOU TELL? Can I get a biologist to comment on this, please? Because I really need to know, and I don't feel like going on the internet to look it up. Who knows what sites I might get directed to. I don't want to find out. Can Jack Hanna take time out from doing dog food or vitamin commercials or something and tell me?
  And, really. How do you know that chicken just doesn't taste like snake? Weren't they around first?  

Just a Quick Note on Best Friends

    I have the best friends in the world. I know everybody says that, but I do. And I have come up with a few slogans--after some internet research on one of said best friends' phone--that apply to them. Try them on your friends. I'm not saying that if they don't fit they're not your true friends, but...Hmmm, makes you wonder a little, doesn't it? And if not, then, well, you probably deserve the friends you have. Go iron your polo shirt, you...

•  A friend will come bail you out of jail at three in the morning. A true friend will be sitting next to you in the cell going "Dang, that was fun!" 
• Friends can have fun with you without going to jail. True best friends can make going to jail fun. 
• When you cry, friends cry. When you're happy, friends are happy. When you're mad, friends are mad. When you jump off a bridge, true friends wave and say "Bye!"
• Friends will drive around town with you because they have nothing better to do. True friends will drive cross-country with you on a crazed, doomed-to-fail revenge mission just for the heck of it.
• Friends will, should you be captured by a hostile enemy dictatorship, write letter to Amnesty International to petition for your release. True friends will somehow acquire a tank, armored Humvee, or monster truck, and crash through the walls of the prison to bust you out, no matter how many people they have to run over to do it (I can totally see my one friend, my Honorary First Follower, doing this for me in her mom's friend's monster truck--what? The friend owes her mom a favor, anyway--heck, I can see my follower's mom doing it because she's cool like that, mostly because I can see myself getting captured by a hostile enemy dictator in the first place.). 

    There was another cool, true one I found that involves moving and moving bodies, but I think you can basically figure out that one on your own, can't you? I mean, I made it pretty blatant.
   So, today, when you're hanging out, ask your friends what they would do should any of the above things happen to you, and carefully consider their answer (for the second bullet, falling or being thrown into a hole would also be an acceptable scenario. I'd at least throw down some food and water for them, and then laugh--no, wait, I'd be laughing the whole time. Never mind.). And as for me? I know where I'll be...a hostile enemy dictatorship's prison, waiting for my friends to show up in that monster truck. Because I know they will. Uh, guys...?
   You?  

It's Just a "Regular Show"

  I don't know how many people out there regularly watch Cartoon Network, but those of you who do should have at least heard something about their Monday-night cartoon Regular Show, about a slacker blue jay (Mordecai) and raccoon (Rigby), for whom a simple job is never just a simple job. Looking for cake nearly causes their immortal friend, Skips, to finally die. Setting up chairs for a birthday party in the park they work in leads to having to destroy a video-game monster they accidentally released into the world and who is hell-bent on destroying it. And these are, yes, all true examples. Some of my favorite scenes and, um, incidents? The Joe Esposito "You're the Best"-set workout montage in "Death Punchies;" the possessed British taxi cab in "Ello Gov'ner;" and the go-kart-racing-unicorn explosion (yes, I'm serious) in "The Unicorns Have Got to Go." The whole hole-in-the-wall thing in "The Power" (which contains a magic keyboard that Rigby stole from a wizard who was taking a pee break in some bushes in the park)--"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP LOOKING AT MY MOM!"--was great. After you watch a couple episodes (they run about fifteen minutes long each), you just start to wonder what you've been snorting. And isn't that the greatest gift a show can give you?

  Haven't seen it yet? Here's an episode to get you started: 
  http://www.yidio.com/show/regular-show/season-1/episode-13/links.html
  "Ello, Gov'ner"
  Trust me. It'll make sense once you watch it.

Follow You Follow Me

  Just a quick note here...My friend tried to follow me on this website, but her computer crashed before she could. That makes her the HONORARY FIRST FOLLOWER. And if you try to take that honor from her, she'll beat it back from you. 
  You're welcome, buddy. See you tommorow. 

Does This Make Sense to Anybody?

  I have a primo example of how stupid my school is. Or maybe they're just mean. I haven't quite figured it out yet.
  Anyway, a few months ago they were absolutely bugging out, going crazy, telling us that we HAD to take the practice PSAT they were offering--for just fifty-something bucks, I think--to guarantee a successful future. We HAD to take it, otherwise, we would fail miserably at everything else we tried to do and would end up broke and on heroin and dead by the time we were seventeen (some of us are seventeen NOW. That didn't seem to matter to them, though). It was all, "Academic progress insures your future duh duh duh duh duh. Blah, blah, broke, dead, on drugs, yada yada." So a bunch of the weaker, easily-influenced kids ponyed up the money and took it at seven-thirty on a Saturday morning, a time that does not actually exist to us, bring your own pencils and calculators. And then they were all reassured, because, sure, they were out fifty bucks--more, I think--and they had wasted a Saturday morning, but they sure as heck wouldn't end up dead in a gutter with a needle sticking out of their arm if they got a B on this thing.
  Jeez. And they say peer pressure is bad?
  And then, two weeks later, the county college offers another practice one.
  For free this time.
  Now, can anybody out there please explain to me what the freak that is? The school couldn't have waited two weeks and let us know about it? I mean, when it came time for it, we got one flyer about the free one and that was it. They absolutely inundated us with information about theirs. What are they, insecure or something? The poor little kid on the playground who has no friends, and sells you candy after school for a dollar before you can find out that they sell it for fifty cents at the store next door, then takes your money and runs? What is that, people?  
  By-the-by, I didn't take it. I think that means I have only a few more years to live. It was nice blogging to you all.    

Yo. Lay Off Ames.

  That's my status on gmail. Really. And it has to be. You know why? Because there are people out there who just won't. And that, dude, makes me want to barf up my lunch. 
  Ames is human. We all are. And that means that she will, like the rest of us, make mistakes from time to time. Honestly, she is not as bad a character as Pucci woman. She, at least, doesn't make goo-goo eyes at Chance until I, yet again, want to barf. Pucci woman is worse because she is annoying without being directly annoying, which means she's like an itch you have in your brain that starts out small but gets worse and worse and you can't figure out what's wrong until you see her again and everything clicks into place. Hey, that's the reason my brain is itching! And at least Ames has the jerichos to be annoying to your face!
  So, yeah. Not as bad as Pucci woman.
  And it's not even really her fault. People are annoyed with her because she is trying to be like Guerrero, all tough-girl and stuff, but I for one think it's cute. Like, last month, when she was trying to interrogate John Doe to see if he was really lying about not being able to remember anything and Guerrero walks in and says, "What are you doing?" and Ames says, "Nothin'," and he just walks away. He knew, and we did to. And it was cute. You have to give her some time to develop, people, and just leave her alone til then. After all, it's not her fault the writers can't write her confidently. She's just learning how to walk here, so to speak. What, did you push your kids down when they were learning how to walk? No? Then why would you do it to her? 
  Just give her some time. I bet that soon, real soon, she'll pull off a really cool trick of explosive awesomeness that'll make you gasp for air and say, "Wow! I should have listened to what that girl with the blog said, and not dissed Ames so much!"
  Yeah. You'll see.  

Plea

  I'm not talking just to hear myself talk here. Will somebody find a way to comment on this shizzle?    Oh, and by the way, I have a poll up. Somebody besides my family wanna vote on it, please?
  Love ya!

Not Trying to Freak Anyone out, But...

Did you guys hear about the bird thing in Arkansas and Louisiana and stuff? And how the dead birds' insides were all completely liquefied? And how all the dead fish randomly washed up on shore at the same time? Well, my English teacher just assigned us "The Masque of the Red Death" by Poe, and that reminded me of all the research on the plague (or Black Death, whichever you prefer) that I had to do for a story I'm writing--do not judge me--, and the first sign that the plague had reached a town was all the rats running up from the sewers and dying in the streets. Make of this whatever you will. I'm just trying to be helpful and informative. 

  The places weren't that near each other. And the dead fish washing up on shore at the same time? 

  I'm going to go start fortifying my castle now. Anyone care to join me?