Embarrassing Company Names

  I'm back! I hope you all had a merry Christmas, people, even if things didn't go exactly the way you wanted them to. P.S.--here's a little bit of Merry Christmas irony for you: My family forgot to record the Human Target Christmas episode! Yeah, I know; kind of hard to believe, isn't it? It kind of didn't sink in for me until I went to watch it the next day...and it wasn't there! Horrors!
  Anyway, I just watched it now on the internet; man, that thing is cool. And that's why I can't write the extra-long, super-cool, conspiracy-heavy post I was planning on writing today. Aw, I know. Boo-hoo. But, on the bright side, here's my ponderings on: EMBARRASSING COMPANY NAMES!
  Do you work at a company with an embarrassing name? Do you know someone who does? I know that the economy is tough and many people have to work wherever they can get hired, but c'mon, employers. When you come up with the names of your companies, do you do this just to embarrass us and make us hate ourselves? And you workers. Could you honestly say you worked at "Zippy Heating and Air Conditioning Co." without a) laughing whenever you say it or b) wanting to punch yourself? Repeatedly? In the face? 
  And can working at a place like that actually damage you? I mean, if you work at Hot Topic, people are automatically afraid of you. And if you work at a gym or karate-dojo place or whatever, people either want to see you chop a brick in half with your bare hands or think you're going to snap their neck for looking at you wrong. But does that actually affect you over time? Does being constantly looked at like you're going to hurt someone every five seconds give you a quicker temper, or make you quicker to fight? And does working at Zippy, with a freaking polar bear painted on your truck wearing winter apparel make you a quieter, milder person? 
  Hmm. Something to think about.

A Very Special Second Chance Christmas Special!

Two days til Christmas Eve, and you know what that means: The library will be closed and, for a few days at least, you'll be deprived of any new posts from me on the Second Chance Blog. And, of course, you'll miss the sarcastic, Human Target-based humor on which you've come to depend. I know, I know. And I'll miss writing it. But it's only for a few days. God. You crack addict. 
  Anyway...
  My Christmas plans? Well, tomorrow I'm going to the mall--yeah, I know, the day before Christmas Eve. No, I'm not insane. Well, I am, but not for that reason, even though the mall was mostly my idea, and I begged for it. A lot. But nope. Not insane. Speaking of insane...
  "The mall at Christmas. What a zoo."
  I'm not even gonna bother to tell you where that came from. If you can't figure it out, I don't know where the neurological defect is. I'm sorry. I can't help you. Chances are--pun subconsciously intended--the doctors don't know what's wrong with you, either. I'm sorry. You're doomed. 
  But where was I?
  Ah, yes, the joys of Christmas. Holly. Mistletoe. Trees. Poinsettias (which I just learned were originally imported from Mexico). God, what is it with Christmas and plants? Enough already! Cookies. Pies. Cake. Christmas Eve pizza. What? It's a tradition (one I'm not knockin'). Respect, fool. 
  So, anyway, I posted this mainly to say goodbye before the holidays, and I guess I just did, although in a very ADD-ish way. Well, I warned you in my first post that might happen. And I also posted it because I have to give a birthday shout-out, which I think may become a habit (I have a lot of friends who will get very offended if I post an actor's birthday on my blog, but not theirs). 
  So...  
  Happy birthday, Mark Valley (December 24th)!!!!!!!!!!
  And Merry Christmas to all of my neighbors and friends and family and readers, but not to people I don't particularly like! And to all a good night! And presents! Lots and lots of presents! And Christmas spirit. Or something. Ho ho ho! I might get arrested someplace in Australia for saying this! Ho ho ho! Oops, there I go again! Ho ho ho! I'm a felon! Seriously, look it up! Ho ho ho! 
  Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!

5 Christmas Things I've Never Experienced and Thus Feel Deprived Of

  1) Wearing Mittens- And earmuffs. I'd really like to wear mittens and earmuffs. Mittens themselves are adorable. And earmuffs just sound cute. Well, so do mittens. Mittens are cute little kittens with big eyes who trip over their own paws and play with yarn. Earmuffs are hamsters who do, well, the same things.

  2) Baking a Gingerbread House- I mean, seriously. Never ever.

  3) Running Down the Stairs on Christmas Morning- Mostly because we don't have stairs. But still.

  4) Going Caroling- Although I don't think Dad would be so holly-jolly generous about hauling my rosy cheeks out of jail when I get arrested for refusing to leave a house until I do, in fact, receive figgy pudding (does anybody make or eat that stuff anymore, anyway? Comment if you do!),

  5) Receive one of Santa's Sleigh Bells- Everybody else gets to find one. Why can't I?

  So, yeah. Here are my holiday grievances, all neatly arranged into list form while I was bored in English Honors (and yes, Dad, I was done my work. All five minutes of it). 

  And if that doesn't get you into the holiday spirit, here's something that just might...not. Only dare to check it out if you're a Star Wars: The Clone Wars fan, though, and be warned: Ahsoka is not the sweet little Snips we geeks know and love. This does not bode well for the sarcastic little alien Padawan we've all grown so attached to. Yes. Worry. 

  Merry Christmas!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpGFYcv0uK4 

  A big thank-you for the friend that sent me this, by the way. They're a Clone Wars geek like me. And, I know, you. Yes. It's your dirty little secret. You may like wrestling, and hockey, and hunting, and eating dead things you scrape off the side of the road and track by smell alone, but you park your butt down in front of the TV every Friday night at nine (well, eight-thirty, starting in January) and watch Clone Wars. And no, not because there's nothing else on. Because you want to. And sometimes, you even cry. 

  Yes. You do. You eat your dead squirrel, and you cry. You clean your gun, and you cry. And you will watch this clip, and open your presents, and you will cry.

  Jingle all the way, my geek brethren. There's no shame in crying. So unwrap the gift that this trailer is, and freakin' CRY already!  

The Twelve Days of Christmas

  Did you know that they start on Christmas Day, not the twelve days leading up to it? Yeah, I know. Me, neither. Anybody know why? Not insulting a tradition, I just...wanna know why. Like Newton wondered why the apple fell on his head (maybe because he was sitting under an apple tree. Just saying.).
  Anyway, I don't have a lot of time, but I would like to serenade you with the first part of a very special rhyme I made up. It goes something like this: 
  "On the first day of Christmas, my father gave to me: a Human Target soundtrack CD."
  Well, maybe not yet. But still. It's a suggestion. 

  And it's a really, really long soundtrack. 

  Seriously, each CD is like seventy-one minutes or something. And there are three.

  That means you can stretch the fun out! Yay!

  I'm gonna go watch Elf.  

  Can't wait to see what I come up with for my second day of Christmas! But really, how can you top the first? 

  Any--ahem--suggestions? 

  Merry less-than-a-week-til-Christmas!

The Scariest Place to be This Holiday Season?

  "Dashing through the mall, with evil guys on their backs, o'er the floors we go, and guess what: Ames is back!"
  Yes, my friends, you guessed right: the mall. 

  The mall can be a scary, evil place to be during the holidaze, like Little Shop of Horrors with more stores and less evil plants. But you get what I mean. 

  Anyway, guess who plunges right into the middle of suburban-mall holiday mayhem? Yes, that's right, our favorite assassin-turned-bodyguard, Christopher Chance, and his crew...as well as, you know, some evil people, just to lighten things up a little.

  And speaking of lighting things up a little, guess who that is in the Santa Claus suit? 

  No, not "Santa." Our favorite ex-cop, Winston. 

 Yeah, I know. Me, too.

  Anyway, this holiday season, Chance and his group take on the case of a seemingly innocent family who received the gift of a murder attempt. Fun, right? Just wrap that right up in a bow and send it to us viewers, FOX. Because we'll be watching. Even if it's just to see Chi McBride in that Santa Claus suit.

  And yes, Ames is in this episode. Merry Christmas! 

  Tune in Wednesday, December 22nd, at eight o'clock PM, to catch all the holiday mayhem.

  And those of you who don't live on the East Coast, you're gonna hafta pull out yer little smartphones and check yer local listings now, won't ya?

  "A week or two away, I guess I'll have to wait, don't forget to watch it, it comes on at eight!"   

Movie Music

  Does this annoy anyone else, or just me? Say there's a movie out, right? And in the movie, there are a number of great songs that just seem...so right there. Right? And yet, when it comes time for the soundtrack to be released, there is an instrumental score, like Jumper, or nothing at all, like Takers. Okay, well, Takers has an MP3 downloadable one, but what good does that do me? I can't download anything anywhere! 
  Okay. Scratch that. Bad example. Let's stick with Jumper, shall we?
  Anyway, I mean, come on, movie producers or whoever decided to put out the soundtrack. It has great music! Let it be heard! I mean, I don't want to have to have the choice between downloading and buying songs, or nothing at all. I CAN'T! And while I may be the only person on Earth who still can't do that, you still have to do something for me, right? Or else I spread bad word and your movie tanks. 
  So. Whatcha gonna do? 
  I suggest that movies follow the example of the Twilight series of movies. Release a score and a soundtrack. It doesn't have to be original; most new ones aren't. Just compile the songs on one CD so I don't have to, okay? 
  Or is that too hard for you?  

Karma

    "Good karma will come to you." --Ames (Janet Montgomery), Human Target
  Karma is a...okay, so we all know the expression. But what is karma, really? I'm not about to go existential on you, but I'd like to discuss this. Mostly because it is a funny word and I enjoy typing it. Karma. K-A-R-M-A. Karma. 
  Okay. Serious now. Sereizzle.
  Maybe karma is like this. You get into an argument with a guy and even though you know you're wrong, you haul off and punch the dude in the face (I'm not speaking from experience here. Don't write letters). Karma could come in a few different forms here. One, it could come in the form of the guy and/or his friends beating the living...well, you know...out of you then and there. Or it could come in the form of his friends beating the tar out of you in a dark alley on your way home (this is why I avoid alleys. I annoy too many people). Or, three, it could come years later, after you've forgotten all about that little incident and think that karma's forgotten you, too. Then that guy turns out to be your new boss and makes your life a living hell. 
  (Now you know for sure I'm not speaking from experience. I've never had a job in my life)
  Good karma probably works like this, too. That might wait a little while as well. Say you push a little boy out of the way of a car and then, ten years later, you win the lottery.
  (I've never won the lottery, either)
  Hm. I gotta go push someone out of the way of a car. 'Bye! 
  P.S.--Anyone got any lottery numbers for me? 
    "My karma ran over my dogma." --bumper sticker
   

Jackie Earle Haley

Okay, has anyone ever noticed how Jackie Earle Haley is always playing the creepy guy? Anybody? Is it just me? I mean, besides that cute little Bad News Bears kid, he's played some really freaky dudes. Take a minute and think about it. Freddie Krueger. Creepy dude. Kills you in your sleep. That guy from Little Children. Very creepy dude. Guerrero. Also very creepy, and fond of torture. Kind of disconcerting. Rorschach from Watchmen. Freaks me out. That Shutter Island inmate who I think was just in that guy's head. FREAKED ME THE FREAK OUT. Numerous other roles. He always plays that guy, it seems, who you wouldn't want to a) be alone in a room with; b) be alone in a house with; or c) be alone with in any situation. Especially one involving sharp things and locked doors. Where no one can hear you scream. He's a really great actor. He's probably a great guy who just gets stuck playing the neighborhood weirdo creepy dude all the time. I'd love to meet him. He's probably really nice and funny. He's probably the nicest guy on the whole durn planet. I'm just pointing it out....Again, probably really nice and friendly guy. Just...think about it.

 One, two, Freddy's comin' for you; three, four, lock your door...

 

Don't believe me? Check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackie_Earle_Haley 

Hi party people

Hello and welcome to my blog. It's going to get loud. I'm a very hyper person. I'll probably get distracted halfway through my post and start talking about squirrels or something. Ooh, a butterfly. See what I mean?

No, don't worry. I don't think I'll go ADD in this post today. You see, I set this up to raise awareness for a serious condition affecting many people today, called: A VERY GOOD SHOW IS ABOUT TO GET FREAKIN' CANCELED (IDBCS for short. I'll explain in a minute...)

You see, there's a show on FOX some of you may know, called Human Target. It comes on every Wednesday at 8. However, it is currently suffering from In Danger of Being Canceled Syndrome., unlike Unnatural History on Cartoon Network, which suffers from Has Been Canceled Syndrome. Sniff.

Anyway, FOX kept jerking around with the time slot and also messing with the formula of a very great show, so it is now in danger of not making it to a third season. For those of you idiots (I think I might offend a lot of you, now) who've turned it off, GIVE IT A SECOND "CHANCE" (inside pun intended). For those of you who've never seen it, give it a first look (Season One on DVD now. To buy, try www.amazon.com/Human-Target-Complete...Season/.../B002ZCY84U). For those of you watching, KEEP WATCHING! I cannot stress this enough. 

Please. Do it for the children. 

And me. Or else I'll have to rant some more on this blog. And I have other things to write about.

Remember. It's the holidays. Share some spirit with this great, GREAT show.

Please.