Because I Care

  Because I care, I've decided to compile a list of facts that I think will help you decide who to vote for when the time comes. 
  Fact: Barack Obama shares a suspicious personal relationship as a Chicagoan with the notorious artery-clogging killer deep-dish pizza. 
  Fact: Rick Santorum employs hundreds of robo-slaves to keep him in a constant supply of sweater-vests.
  Fact: Mitt Romney has a name similar to Mr. Littman's on Seinfeld, and they sound vaguely the same, if you don't try too hard. 
  Fact: "Eye of Newt" is a favorite cooking ingredient for both the witches in Macbeth and Michelle Obama (eyeballs are organic).
  Fact: Newt Gingrich is an aquatic amphibian. 
  Fact: Donald Trump is not running for president.
  Fact: Herman Cain should still be running for president.
  Fact: As a Mormon, Mitt Romney can't ingest things like the"special plants" Michelle Obama is growing in her "all-organic" White House garden.
  Fact: If gun control legislation is passed, Michelle Obama's arms will have to be chopped off. 
  Fact: After Newt Gingrich won South Carolina, Mitt Romney screamed "Dag nab it!", "Oh fudge!", and several other Mormonized curses and then sat in a corner and twitched for several minutes.
  Fact: Over thirty national conservative leaders have endorsed Rick Santorum. One of these was Jason Jones, producer of the film Bella, if that means anything to you.  
  Fact: I'm not running for president. 
  Fact: The word "fundamentally" has been viciously abused and should be put out of its misery before more harm comes to it.
  Fact: Newt Gingrich winning South Carolina is like Rocky in the sense that nobody expected him to get this far. Running with this, his campaign bus now reads "The Former Republican Speaker of the House Stallion."
  Fact: Nobody explained the word "fact" to me before I posted this screed. 
  Fact: I would vote for a slice of pineapple before I voted for Obama. If I could vote.