Look At Them Now

  Yep, you know by now what this color means: another post about the Bad News Bears!
  But don't worry, this isn't about how I bawled like a baby with the Kelly-Mike Leak "blue bike" scene in the pool hall in Breaking Training or the superawesomely adorable bromance between my favorite shortstop Tanner Boyle and my favorite...benchwarmer (?) Timmy "The Big Looper" Lupus. No. This is about how Dad (you remember Dad, right?) and I had to go pick up a pizza over the weekend and we got into a superheated argument about how he thinks Tanner and Timmy are gay and I think he's wrong (it's a bromance, dude! They're just manpanions!) and he said that if they had some sort of Bears reunion to see what they're up to now (for the characters, not the actual actors themselves...although who knows what most of them are doing now, either?) that they would be living in some trendy apartment in San Francisco with their cats Harmou and Buttermaker wearing matching argyle sweaters (which I can assure you is not what happened...Tanner would never stand for argyle). 
  The cause for the reunion, according to Dad, is Kelly Leak's funeral. Also according to Dad, there are two different ways in which he died (bite your tongue!): He was a truck driver with an oxygen tank because of all the smoking he did, and while he driving he lit up another cigarette and a spark hit the oxygen tank, it exploded, and he died; or he was in prison for something and met up with one of the Houston Toros, who was still nursing a grudge about the game in Breaking Training, and he shanked Kelly. 
  This started an entire discussion about the Bears' possible futures. I'll list them below so you can share in the fun (and see what goes on when Dad and I are in a car together and have nothing else to talk about), with what I think listed first and Dad's listed underneath because everything I think is usually something based off of what he said (hint: not many die in my versions). If we agree, well, there'll only be one. 

• Kelly Leak: A truck driver who's been in and out of prison his entire life and drinks because of still-unresolved father issues and who dates a truck-stop waitress...either that or Dukes from Semi-Pro 
• Kelly Leak (Dad): I believe I wrote this above, didn't I?
• Tanner Boyle: The world's smallest prizefighter, willing to take on the entire UFC at once (I can see it now: "What happened to you, Tanner?" "He got in a fight." "Who with?" "The UFC." "Who?" "The UFC." "Took on the entire UFC yourself, did you?" *Tanner glares sullenly*
• Tanner Boyle (Dad): Um, I believe I wrote this above, too, didn't I?
• Rudi Stein: A rabbi
• Rudi Stein (Dad): A wealthy plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills, possibly dead
• Toby Whitewood: A sports commentator and/or writer
• Toby Whitewood (Dad): A California real-estate agent who's currently out of work due to the depress--err, I mean, recession
• Ahmad Abdul-Rahim (both): A former major-league player now coaching the latest incarnation of the North Valley League Bears, however, his son Hank (as in Aaron, get it?) doesn't want to play
• Amanda Whurlizter (both): A powerful lawyer who paid her way through law school by being a model (get it?!?)
• Alfred Ogilvie (both): a college math professor who moonlights as a bookie for the Vegas mob
• Carmen Ronzonni (both): whacked by the Mafia
• Timmy Lupus: a librarian or a children's book author, a quiet little family man (it's funny, you know, using the word "man" to describe little Timmy Lupus)--but how funny would it be to see him as, like, the lead singer of a screamo band like Disturbed or Pig Destroyer ("The Girl on the Pitcher's Mound," anybody?)
• Timmy Lupus (Dad): see "Tanner Boyle (Dad)"
• Jimmy Feldman (both): a small-business owner
• Jose/Miguel Agilar: own a burrito/taco stand (Jose burritos, Miguel tacos)
• Jose/Miguel Agilar (Dad): deported
• Mike Engleburg: joined Weight Watchers but became a competitive eater, so he is constantly taking one step forward and two steps back (but won a prize belt in the California Wing-Eating Championship...if there is such a thing)  
• Mike Engleburg (Dad): had a heart attack and died
• Regi Tower (both): owns a carpet-cleaning comapny and is forever known as "that other Bear" 
• Morris Buttermaker: got back with Amanda's mom, quit drinking, and lived a happy life out in Anaheim or somewhere
• Morris Buttermaker (Dad): dead of liver disease
• Mike Leak: still working at the plant but coaches a Little-League team on the side to try to find what he missed out on with Kelly
• Mike Leak (Dad): killed in a plant accident--maybe an explosion

  As you can see, most of the time Dad and I have different views on what exactly happened to the Bears after they Went to Japan (yes, I felt the capitals were necessary). What do you think happened? Because I know you care. You all do. Otherwise, you wouldn't have read to the end of this post, would you?