Give Me Nightmares Before Christmas

  Have you guys ever heard possibly the creepiest Christmas song of all time? No? Well, I hadn't either, not until I heard Louis Armstrong's "Zat You, Santa Claus?" And while the song has one redeeming quality that I shall tell you at the end of this strange, eerie journey, without it it would be one freaking insane song. 
  In case you haven't guessed yet, this is one of my father's favorite Christmas songs and he taped the lyrics of it to my door to bother me. So let's deconstruct this line by line and verse by verse, shall we?

"Zat you, Santa Claus?
Gifts I'm preparin'
For some Christmas sharin'
But I pause because
Hangin' my stockin'
I can hear a knockin'
'Zat you, Santa Claus?"

• Recap: The man in the song is hanging his stocking and he hears someone knocking. All right. Not too creepy yet, right? It gets worse. 

"Sure is dark out
Not the slighest spark out
Pardon my clackin' jaws
Uh, who there?
Who is it?
Uh, stoppin' for a visit
'Zat you, Santa Claus?"

• Recap: The man is now getting nervous. And it's really dark out. Scared yet?

"Are you bringin' a present for me?
Something pleasantly pleasant for me?
That's what I've been waitin' for
Would you mind slippin' it under the door?"

• Recap: The man asks Santa to drop his presents there and leave. Strike one? Santa didn't go down the chimney, and the man didn't say that he doesn't have one. 

"Four winds are howlin'
Or maybe that be growlin'
My legs feel like straws
Oh my, my, me, my
Kindly would you reply
'Zat you, Santa Claus?
Yeah

Oh hangin' my stockin'
I can hear a knockin'
'Zat you, Santa Claus?

Yeah, say now
Hey there, who is it
Stoppin' for a visit?
'Zat you, Santa Claus?"

• Recap: The man hears growling outside. Growling. Last time I checked, reindeer don't growl--and neither does Santa. Crapped yet? Hold on... 

"Whoa there Santa you gave me a scare
Now stop teasin' 'cause I know you're there
We don't believe in no goblins today
But I can't explain why I'm shakin' this way"

• Recap: The man is trying to convince himself it's Santa outside, not a "goblin." And yet he's still shaking...

"Well, I see old Santa in the keyhole
I'll give to the cause
One peek and I'll try there
Uh-oh there's an eye there
'Zat you, Santa Claus?"

• Recap: THE MAN SEES AN EYE IN THE KEYHOLE! SANTA KNOWS IF YOU'RE AWAKE OR ASLEEP--HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE A CREEPER ABOUT IT! PLUS, WHAT IF THE MAN IN THE HOUSE WASN'T STANDING BY THE DOOR? "SANTA" WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SEE HIM! SO IT'S JUST A GUY LOOKING IN!!! I JUST CRAPPED MY PANTS!

"Please, please
I pity my knees
Say that's you Santa Claus"

• Recap: Now the man's not asking anymore; he's begging the creeper person outside to say he's Santa. Instead of...what? A creeper? 

  All right, so you're probably a little skeeved right now. An eye, growling, knocking...Anybody would be. I forgive you the huge pee stain on the front of your pants, Whizzy. But here's the good news: redeeming quality time!

  The end of the song usually gets cut off on the radio, because the music goes on for several seconds more and that's time the DJ could spend talking about his failing liver or playing commercials. But by cutting that out, they also cut out the last line of the song, which thankfully goes: "That's him, all right!" 

  So, thank God, it's not a murderer out to whack Satchmo; it's Santa. A creeper Santa, but still Santa. So that's good news. But I couldn't have found this out a year ago, the first and only time I heard the song from what I thought was beginning to end, and spared myself the endless terror? 

  But that's why I did this today, Second Chancers. So I could spare you the endless terror and pee-stained pants that have tormented me for a year now. I hope I've done my job. 

  And you might want to stop shaking, Frosty. It's over now. Satchmo's safe. 

  He's also dead, but not because of Santa. I'm pretty sure.