Freddy vs. Jason 3: It's Not Over Yet

  Last week, my brother went on his blog for the first time in months, and what does he do? He goes on a rant disputing my rant about the two muchachos named above. All right, fine. If he wants to play it this way, then SO BE IT. His destruction hath been wrought by his own hand. So sayeth NiteOwl. So let it be typed, so let it be done.

  Here's what he so eloquently wrote (and yes, he also stole my title for the post, the rip-off artist; all misspellings and grammatical errors have been copied verbatim from the original and will be underlined, to give you readers a chuckle): 

Fist of all, i'm sorry that i was away for so long and i appreciate whoever is still reading this. Now, i just read my sister's blog and i must say, i wish she would just shut the f*** up because i like Jason better then Freddy Cougar- i mean Kruger. Hey F*** Face, (that's what i'm going to call you from now on live with it) has it ever occurred to you that Kruger is the name of George's boss on Seinfeld? I mean, i cant take FK seriously anymore. Not that i ever did. I mean, come on. If Jacky Earle Haley played Jason, you'd be all over him like stink on a monkey (come to think of it, FK probably smells like one too). Anyway, Freddy blows. He has to wait until you fall asleep so he can kill you. Jason doesn't. He can kill you whenever he wants. So ha. And a machete totally beats the sh** out of a gardener's glove with a few sharp things on it. Oooh. If i had a face like Freddy's i'd have to hide in shame. I would suggest a hockey mask but that was already taken by a good horror movie character. I know i was a Freddy fan but i switched to Jason, but how does that make me a band wagoner? I'm just curious. (and totally off topic, i would just like to say that i am dissapointed in the Scream movies. I thought he was a ghost type thingy. But he turned out to be a dude in a mask. But i digress) I admit that the movie Jason X was silly but most movie series have bad movies. Take Star Wars episode II: Attack of the Clones for example. Ew. So to conclude all this, in the epic battle of Freddy vs Jason, the man with the mask will emerge victorious.
  Beautiful, ain't it? He really put my in my place. Now let me put him in his. 
  First of all (see, I can spell "first" correctly--that's an immediate point for me), he spelled "Krueger" wrong. Usually when you tear into somebody, you make sure you can spell their name right so you don't look like an idiot. It's not that hard. Just Google it, dude. Jeez. 
  Also, you might want to make sure you can spell the name of the actor right, too. And you don't even have to Google that one, dude. It's scattered all over my blog. 
  So what if "Krueger" is the name of George's boss? "Vorhees" is also the name of a town here in Jersey. And a car dealership.
  I never said Freddy smells good, dude. He probably smells like overcooked bacon or something. So that doesn't bother me, if that was supposed to.
  As I recall, in at least one of his movies, Freddy does step back into the real world for a bit. And in the ending of the new one, where he jumps out of the mirror and kills a girl's mom. And it's not the fact that he can't kill you in waking life that's amazing, but the fact that he can go into your dreams and make you kill yourself like he did with the kid who plays Emmett Cullen is. Can Jason do that? Goal for me (insult to injury). 
  Freddy does not hide in shame (unlike J-Vor). And he doesn't have to. He puts his ugly face out there to terrify the living crap out of you. That's a true horror movie villain, one who shoves his ugly face right into yours and says "This is who I am and, like it or not, you're about to get killed by me." 
  You're right. I shouldn't have said that you're a "bandwagoner." I should have said that you are a flip-flop fan who has no real attachment to your chosen horror-movie killer and will switch sides without a second sequel thought. 
  When you're ranting about something, you really shouldn't go off and rant about something else entirely. It just makes you seem insane. Which you are anyway. But still. They don't need to know that. 
  I never said that the Freddy movies were Oscar movies, bro. I just said that Freddy is better than Jason. 
  Episode II is not crap. 
  So to conclude all this, just saying that your guy will win doesn't mean he will. In your stupid and grammatically incorrect ramble, you didn't give one concrete reason that Jason is better than Freddy. Yeah, sure, maybe it was Jason holding Freddy's severed head at the end (?) of their rumble in Hell, but it was Freddy who winked at the camera. As I am winking now at your utter failure, like I have a piece of pulp in my eye. 
  *Wink wink wink*
   
   

Dog Food

  Hello, people; I'm back! You probably...didn't even notice I was gone, huh? Either that, or you were getting ticked off that I wasn't posting. Well, I'll tell ya why: I was trying to get published. No dice yet, but I'm hoping for something by the end of the year. I'm posting now to let you know that a.) I'm not dead in my nest and b.) I'm having a domestic issue that I want to let you guys know about.

  You may be wondering why, exactly, this post is called "Dog Food," considering I don't have a dog (I probably would, except that our "apartment community" charges you extra rent if you have a pet of any kind. Even a gerbil or fish. Dang "apartment community"). It's because we are going to start rewatching all the old Disney animated movies at my house--Saturday we watched Aladdin, and yes, I smiled like a drunken romantic sea lion all through "A Whole New World" like I used to, and Abu was still as monkey-awesome as you remember--, and Dad and I disagree on a few (he likes Cinderella and I don't; I like Sleeping Beauty and he can't stand it--we could have a real debate on this stuff if he would ever get around to POSTING AGAIN ON HERE...hint hint, Dad), and the largest one is Lady and the Tramp. He refuses to watch it.

  I love Lady and the Tramp. "Pidge," "Miss Laaaady-ma'am," the spaghetti-and-meatballs thing (but that might just be because I'm flaming Italiano), all of it. Dad...doesn't. I don't know why; he just doesn't like it. And that would be fine because I'm a firm believer that everybody is entitled to their own opinion on things, except that because he's Dad and he doesn't like it, we're not watching it. I mean, I barely squeaked Pocahontas by him, and that's a fifty/fifty chance on that one. He might just make me watch it on my own. But because he likes Bambi, we're watching it at some point. And it's not that I don't like Bambi, because I do, but I don't feel like crying my eyes out like a drunken depressed sea lion, which I always have and always will do when I watch it. 

  Peg? The Siamese cats? The spaghetti and meatballs? How can you not want to watch it? Or at least go through with it for your daughter, who is going to go through Bambi for you?

  Now I'm a drunken angry sea lion. Roar. 

 

Freddy vs. Jason 2

  No, they're not remaking it or doing a sequel, as far as I know (although I'm not saying I don't want them to, Jackie "The Freaking Man" Earle Haley vs. whoever the heck played Jason in that remake several years ago, wouldn't that be cool?); my brother and I just made up a little fight of our own--namely, the one we've been having every morning for the past four days while we've been waiting for school to start, while my friend Erica looks on and finds the situation humorous. 
  In this corner...
  Me, with my undying (get it?) support and fan-love for Freddy Krueger and his b------g glove. I mean, I have always been on the Freddy side of the Freddy-Jason debate, even before JEH pulled on the sweater. I just thought he was cooler, and the man formerly known as Kelly Leak only cemented that further in my head, messed-up as it is. I mean, Freddy can kill you in your dreams. What's Jason got? A hockey mask and a machete. Big deal. So what if he came back from the dead? So did Freddy--and Freddy shows his horribly mutilated face proudly. He doesn't hide behind a mask. He has a cool hat. And, for the most part, the movies had a thread of continuity to them--didn't Jason drown in the end of one movie, and then in the next followed a group of teens to an island or whatever it was by swimming behind their boat? What, did he take swimming lessons while he was dead or something? I mean, seriously, dude. Can you or can't you? Only your director knows for sure.
  Plus, Freddy has his own freaking theme song (which I have memorized and will one day use as a ringtone when I actually have a cell phone--I don't have one yet, and never have. That's truly scary, dream-killer or not). "One, two, Freddy's coming for you..." Jason has, oh, yeah, "Jason Jason Jason...kill kill kill..." I mean, compare that, bro-dude. 
  In this corner...
  My younger brother, with his on/off fanship of the murderous goalie who has the same name as one of my uncles. You see, he never really had an emotional stake in the game, and that's fine, I don't hate him for that; it's kind of like what I would do if the Red Sox play the Phillies in the World Series, seeing as I kind of hate both teams. Like, a lot. But anyway. I digress. Then one day my brother likes Jason, but we don't really talk about it that much. Fine again. When we do, though, he is strictly pro-Jason. Then one day (about the time the Nightmare on Elm Street remake comes out), my brother decides to go Freddy. This is even better with me, as you know my stance on this. He's been pro-Freddy ever since then...or, at least, until we go to school one day (Monday, actually), and he drops a line about how much Freddy "sucks" (direct quote here). 
  Yes, that's why I'm writing this post. Because my brother is a stupidface bandwagonner who can't stick to one side and has apparently no emotional attachment to whoever he likes that time because he drops them like a piece of hot iron whenever he feels like it. 
  That's why I think Freddy would win. Because he's got--well, maybe not God on his side (sorry, had to get a Eurythmics quote in here), but he's got me, and I'm backing him up to the final nightmare. What does Jason have? A mask, a machete, and my brother Flipsy, who clearly doesn't really give a crap about his champion. Freddy's got a sweater, a glove, and NiteOwl, who will never, ever back down from my belief about his superiority. 
  Clearly, Freddy wins. 

    

vs.

Whose side are YOU on?

Weird Al 2.0 Rising

  As you've probably been able to guess by now, I have a hobby of spoofing songs--both popular and obscure--just like Weird Al Yankovic, and sometimes the Weird Al in me just has to come out, or I'll bust. Well, this is one of those times.
  I watch World's Dumbest quite a bit, and among the D-listers and burnouts who comment there is a certain Leif Garrett, who is famous for...well, I guess getting arrested at a subway station with heroin in his shoe, stoned out of his freaking mind. So that inspired me to write this--the idea came to me while listening to Sunday at the Seventies last weekend or so on 98.1 WOGL. So, here ya go.

ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE (LEIF GARRETT'S)

Based on "One Toke Over the Line"

by Brewer and Shipley

One toke over the line Leif Garrett's
One toke over the line
Busted downtown in a subway station
One toke over the line

Awaitin' for the train that goes home, or somethin'
No ticket for that train or sense of time
Busted downtown in a subway station
One toke over the line

Whaaaat is he on, you know it's white lady
He's been dopin', as you can plainly see
  He felt the joy and he'll learn about the pain that the cops said
  Because he's chosen to make smack a part of him, surely strike him dead
Now he's one toke over the line Leif Garrett's
One toke over the line
Busted downtown in a railway station
One toke over the line
No ticket for the train and he ain't goin' home Leif Garrett's

Ain't got no sense of time

Busted downtown in a railway station
One toke over the line

  He went away for a little while,
Now he's returnin' with a drugged-up smile
He comments on dumb videos and gave himself a few
And to his surprise like everything else he's been through
It opened up his eyes but still he's

One toke over the line Leif Garrett's
One toke over the line
Busted downtown in a subway station
Don't you just know he's got no ticket for the train and he ain't goin' home Leif Garrett's

Ain't got no sense of time
Busted downtown in a subway station
One toke over the line

Don't you just know he's got no ticket for the train and he ain't goin' home Leif Garrett's
Ain't got no sense of time
Busted downtown in a subway station
One toke over the line

You know he's got to be
One toke over the line Leif Garrett's
One toke over the line
Busted downtown in a subway station
One toke over the line
Don't you just know he's got no ticket for the train and he ain't goin' home Leif Garrett's
Ain't got no sense of time
Busted downtown in a subway station
One toke over the line
Busted downtown in a subway station
One toke over line
One toke, one toke over the line

School's Back In Session

  Well, I'm back in school, and aside from the fact that I actually have to go, it's not too bad. I have some cool classes (like ceramics, finally--I've only been asking for it for three years now) and in English, we had to write a fairy tale, which I just finished, which is freaking sweet. I'm not going to bore you with a rundown of my classes; I just wanted to say that once I'm there, I'm good (but I can't wait to get gone. See, Miss Keller? There's some alliteration for ya). Also, my brother (who still shall remain nameless) started seventh grade in my school (albeit in a separate wing) and I'm kind of his guide, and stuff. Like Saca-freaking-gawea, or something. Except I have a red-and-plaid backpack on my back instead of a baby, and I ride a bus instead of canoeing down a river. But other than that? Same thing. 
  I really hate going to school. But once I'm there, it's not that bad. 
  *sound of me screaming as I'm dragged against my will onto the school bus*
  Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
  I don't wanna go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

Somebody Call the Freaking Tooth Fairy, Will Ya?

  Well, I got my four wisdom teeth yanked out, and I won't go into detail because thinking about it just brings the trauma back, and because I want you to read without having to run to the bathroom to throw up, so just let me say that it hurt. A lot. A whole heck of a lot, and I wasn't even as out of it as they had said I would be. But, at first, I was pretty numb, and so I didn't realize that when I went to wipe what I thought was some drool off my upper lip it was actually blood until I opened my mouth to tell Mom that I needed the rag she had brought with her and more "drool" dripped down into my hand and I looked down and saw blood waterfalling out. Fun, right? And at first, I couldn't even swallow because my mouth was so pugged up, so I couldn't take my pain meds until a few hours had passed. So, basically, all I could do was curl up on the couch with a stuffed dog and cry and spit blood into a bucket.
  And that's how I spent the last week of my summer vacation, basically. How was yours?  

Ninety-Fourever Shall You Rock!

  Deceased: 94 WYSP, Friday, September second, along with things like the Extreme Team, the Danny Bonaduce morning show, Mandatory Metallica, Eight from the Eighties (etc.), at three P.M. It went peacefully, with one last "THANK YOU, PHILLY!" and Metallica's "Fade to Black" its funeral hymn. WYSP, which stood for "Your Station Philadelphia," was known for playing "the rock you grew up with" and is fondly remembered by many. Up to the end they kept a smile on their face, thanking the listeners and reminiscing on the good old times, even bringing back some of their old DJs, such as Tommy Conwell, to join in. And, for the first and only time, Boyz II Men were played, as the second-to-last song on Spike's afternoon show. 
  Thank you, WYSP. 

"FADE TO BLACK"

BY METALLICA

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Can't stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

*Goodbye*